


understanding and acceptance

by WattStalf



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: High School, I don't really know - Freeform, M/M, just exploring a what-if, not quite shipping but leaning toward it?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-18
Updated: 2016-11-18
Packaged: 2018-08-31 15:26:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8583724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WattStalf/pseuds/WattStalf
Summary: “It's reasons like this that we can't get along. You're always assuming I'm up to something!” He pauses, realizing that, if he's going to make this sound genuine, he needs to point out one of his own shortcomings. “And I'm always provoking you.”“Well...if you haven't noticed, I'm pretty easy to provoke,” Shizuo mumbles.“And I'm usually up to something,” Izaya replies.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Uh????? So I don't really ship these two all that much, but recently while reading, I started thinking, man okay but maybe it _could_ work, under certain circumstances. So I decided to write about them as youngsters and their lives starting to go in a slightly different direction, both of them trying to confront the problem that would get in the way of them actually having a relationship.  
>  uh anyway im sorry this is probably awful

They don't make eye contact.

Sitting across the table from each other, Shizuo and Izaya look at everything but each other. How many times have they been through this? High school is nearly over, and they're no close to resolving the issues that have existed from the moment they met, and they still find themselves getting into fights nearly daily. And when Shinra isn't around to attempt to smooth things over- which only works _sometimes_ anyway, though more often, lately- things escalate to a rather extreme point.

Usually, it either comes to an end with Izaya finding some way to outsmart Shizuo and disappearing, or with Simon stepping in and dragging them off, insisting that all their problems will disappear if they only take the time to eat. Today, it was the latter, and that is where they find themselves now, neither one willing to speak but neither one willing to be the first one to leave. Neither  _wants_ to be the one spending the rest of their evening pretending to not want to kill each other, particularly when Shinra isn't even around to praise them for getting along better, but getting up and leaving first feels like admitting defeat.

So they sit there, avoiding making eye contact and avoiding any attempts at reconciliation, because they've never been able to attempt to reconcile. No matter how much Shinra wants them to get along, they just  _can't_ . Neither can make sense of the other and neither can accept the other, so they will always be locked in this tension, until one of them finds a way to take the other for good.

Shizuo knows this, and he hates it. This entire relationship is just a constant reminder of the part of himself that he's tried his whole life to shake. He doesn't want this and he doesn't want a relationship defined by the fact that he can't handle things he can't understand or accept; he doesn't want a “friend” that he's so compelled to fight with, he can't attempt to make peace.

He doesn't want to hate someone so much that he can't even try.

But no matter how much he doesn't want those things, he's never been able to escape that. He feels trapped in this cycle, and  _that_ is what truly makes him angry. More than anything, he wants to escape what he is; he wants to be the kind of person who can even forgive someone like  _Izaya_ and move on with his day, but he doubts that he will ever possess that sort of strength.

When he thinks about that, and the different kinds of strength and the fact that he doesn't possess the one he wants the most, he snorts to himself, which causes Izaya to look over at him.

“What are _you_ laughing about?” he asks, voice dripping with irritation. “Is there something funny that I missed out on?”

“None of your damn business!” Shizuo snaps, gripping the edge of the table. He starts to rise for a moment, but manages to remind himself that, no, he can't resume their fight in here, so he sits back down and looks back away.

“It was just an innocent question, there's no need to get all riled up,” he replies, playing innocent, as if he weren't the first to speak with annoyance. “So? _Is_ there something funny?”

“No, there isn't,” he mutters. “I was just thinking about something.”

“That's surprising.”

“You know, I'm starting to not give a damn about what'll happen if I try to beat your brains in right here,” Shizuo growls. “You really wanna die that bad?”

~X~

Izaya enjoys antagonizing people. He enjoys seeing their reactions and enjoys figuring out which direction they'll go in, depending on how he nudges them. It's not exactly a _hobby_ , but it's an unusual thing to put so much effort into, and it is, to him, the most interesting thing he can imagine. However, he was met with a challenge upon meeting the man sitting across the table from him.

Shizuo is someone who is both easy and amusing to antagonize, but he is terrifying, and Izaya isn't entirely sure that he even classifies as human. He says things like that aloud, to express his dislike for Shizuo and to see how it pushes his buttons, but it really is a genuine concern and something that he isn't sure how to deal with. Because of that, he's always hated the young man that he can neither understand nor accept.

Their fights have gone on throughout the entirety of their high school career, and things are coming to a close soon with no sign of things being resolved between them. He doesn't think it's worth resolving, and claims that it would never be worth it to try to reason with someone so completely unreasonable, but he wonders sometimes what his endgame really is in this department.

If he's require to give a straightforward answer, he'll just say that he wants Shizuo dead.

But how true is that, at this moment in time? He knows that, if he continues as he is, then there's no way he'll be able to avoid coming to that, but he also knows that he's not so far gone right now that he has to continue on this path. They've never been able to make up because he's never made himself the type of person who could be made up with, but what if he was? He knows that things might become easier for him, and that he might even be able to see a side to Shizuo that is possible for him to not outright despise, but then, he doesn't know if he's being true to himself.

“No,” he says at last, finally answering the other boy's question. “But, honestly, if you want to go ahead and kill me, then don't forget it'll be _your_ loss and not mine.”

“What the hell does that mean? Why can't you just say things straightforward?”

“Now, now, where's the fun in that?” He can tell that he's getting under Shizuo's skin again, and he fights a grin. If he keeps this up, he really could end up getting himself killed, he realizes.

So what would happen if he tried to be more civil? What would happen if he tried to make peace, just to say he ended high school with this little grudge solved? He doesn't care what anyone thinks of him, in most cases, but the more he thinks about his relationship with Shizuo, the more he thinks about the other possibilities and the possibility of the two of them finally making up.

“You're really askin' for it, aren't you?” the other boy growls.

This is the part where he normally shoots back with something to provoke Shizuo into finally acting, but he hesitates. He hesitates and he thinks and he decides, just for today, he's going to see what happens if he does things a little differently. Izaya convinces himself that this is just an act of curiosity, even though he's previously never had any curiosity about Shizuo's general behavior. He convinces himself that this is just to see what happens, and that he can go back to the way things were once he's seen what it's like to become someone who can be made up with.

“Why does it always turn into this?” he asks with a sigh that is, of course, exaggerated. “Our own personal feelings aside, putting Shinra through this day in and day out...do you think, maybe, it's time we figure out how to move past our differences?”

Shizuo looks skeptical and says, “Since when have you cared what Shinra thinks? And what makes you think _I_ care about that creep? I swear, if you're up to something...”

“It's reasons like this that we can't get along. You're always assuming I'm up to something!” He pauses, realizing that, if he's going to make this sound genuine, he needs to point out one of his own shortcomings. “And I'm always provoking you.”

“Well...if you haven't noticed, I'm pretty easy to provoke,” Shizuo mumbles.

“And I'm usually up to something,” Izaya replies.

~X~

Shizuo can hardly believe the conversation he's having. After thinking about how much he wishes they could lay things to rest, and how much he wishes he could break this cycle, Izaya starts talking to him as if he shares those desires. He's skeptical at first, given the perfect timing and the other boy's nature, but he slowly warms up to the idea, wondering if this might actually be genuine.

And he tries to have a civil conversation, and then he succeeds.

They talk about the past couple years, they talk about their fights and they talk about Shinra- mostly at the other boy's expense, but he isn't here to hear it, and even if he was, Shizuo doubts either of them would hold back. They talk almost like friends- not quite, but almost- and if Shinra _were_ there, he would likely be torn between being overjoyed that his friends were starting to get along and convinced that the world was finally coming to an end.

The afternoon becomes evening, and finally, Shizuo declares that they've done their time and that they've surely convinced Simon that they've made nice. It won't look bad on either of them if they head home, which is what he intends to do. Even though he's the first to get up, it doesn't feel like defeat anymore, because this doesn't feel much like a fight anymore.

They say their goodbyes and he heads home with a strange feeling. He doesn't much care for Izaya, and he doesn't have any desire to be friends with him, he thinks, and yet that was almost a nice change of pace. Not that he'll ever admit that aloud. He'd much prefer to keep that to himself, until he's finally figured out the details of what just transpired.

~X~

Izaya still tells himself that his behavior is temporary, just to see how Shizuo will act, but he decides to keep it up for a little bit longer than planned. Just to see.

 


End file.
